9 November 2006


Bear by boey kim cheng

My daughter's teddy bear,
smuggled into our bed when she stole
into our sleep in the hour
when she is all on her own
fending off the wild things.
What a snug fit, the two between
my wife and me. How a child's sleeping face
marries all in its peace.

I remember my childhood bear;
it was a coarser fur, browner, but like hers
and most other bears, China-made.
My father won it shooting bottles
at a booth in Great or Happy World,
those fairs of dizzy rides and shows
that lasted the whole of your childhood
and have exited into the country's past.
I sat it, walked it, bedded and hugged
it like a raft in the stormy winds
of my parent's quarrels. When
my father left, Bear held faint promise
that he would come back,
and be sensible like Bear.

Year by year, Bear and I waited; the stitches
came undone, the fur shedding
to reveal fibre padding, Bear rubbed
bare to its bones, the limbs that wound
round and round dislocated. Soon
the brown glass eyes were hanging
by a tenuous thread, then gone.
Still I kept him by my side
hoping that things would be
once again whole.

My mother threw him out
in one of those removals,
lost with my father in
the endless migrations of childhood.
It waits now in a heaven
of dislocated things
like my father.

5 November 2006


once i held a candle in the dark...the light fed by years of faithful tending, nourished by other candlelights that came my way; words from friends, a car-ride to the edge of the sea, hand-painted cards, fellow kneelers in prayer. i knew what it was like to live each day by the hand...simple gratitude for newfound peace tying down the years of insecurity. in riding the storm-tossed waves, i located a quiet field where i may lie on the grass with you. till sundown. i do not know what the coming drought will bring, or whether these present days are no more than chance-meetings with an unnamed fate. to a point when mere hope and wasteful dreams will add to nothing more than a chapter of good memory.

it is here. watching time while it is ending. would the hours still stand? i desire to listen for more...a yearning which only a lost friend would know. your sky writing a song framed in memory, a far-off distant dawn, even as i stand, hold these waking moments to an end.

7 nov 2006

2 November 2006


recharter (ii)

chill chill chilly chill

there was frost this morning. the wee hours of dawn raining cold on the city. ad woke me with a knock and there on the balcony were ice-kachangfulls of sago-soothed hailstones lining the rims of pots and pale grey floor. it's spring and still the hailstones came. swa-koo me grasped a handful, stung into submission...to wonder and a free-fall of thoughts...ice on my window, not forgetting yesterday's warm spring day and the faint patters of hard rain, forming alien life outside my window.

1 November 2006

recharter (i)

catching fish-filled days

this is my favourite section in queen victoria market (www.qvm.com.au). i spend the most amount of time here, trying to bargain for discounts at closing time. i once bought 3 pieces of coral trout for $12 and managed to steam one to perfection on the same day. no matter how dreary your day can get, seeing pound-slabs of swordfish mingling randomly with prickly pockets of sea urchins and upturned swimmer crabs by the side just makes your day. your purchase shimmers in freshness. not just plain lines of anonymous fish but christianed flake, leatherjacks, hake, perch, barramundi, mullet, grouper, shrimp, trout, mussels&oysters all gathered in lots, basked in seasalt. the haggling begins. i start floating an uncharted menu on my mind

31 October 2006


thoughts on a morning, near semester's end

my mind is stuck
my brain is jammed
saturated with oblique theories
which do not make sense

my final essay is due next friday
just 4000 words. no pressure as
yet, but i keep typing
hoping syntax and word will
give birth to sense and
faith...so all that is written
may bear some vague
and murky answer
a response to
this morning prayer.

25 October 2006



Disappeared by boey kim cheng

in dedication- NUS/CSS 1995-1999

It happens that friends drop out of your life;
each year a face, a voice, lost, quietly gone
into a far country, each finding a way to survive.

You wonder about the few, whether they are alive,
the ones who matter, the maimed, the forlorn.
It happens that the angels slip unnoticed out of your life.

You dig up the letters and cards to revive
the smile, the touch of a hand, the lone
moment together, finding a way that will survive

the distance. Then you count the years, five,
ten, the absences, tes the defunct number, the wrong
address, the silence of the ones who drop out of your life.

You replay the scenes of love and strife,
remember the shared books, the loved song,
the souvenirs of friendship that will survive

the vanishing. You know that memory can thrive
on loss, and give them the lives you long to share,
the news of the dear ones who have dropped out of your life.
Yet you wonder, wonder, whether any of these will survive.

24 October 2006


A Tale of Horizons...a prelude on 2 poems

Ordinary life has its horizon. A horizon makes visible, but it also conceals. Clearly visible is the day's routine with its familiar sounds, from the breakfast table to turning out the lights. Years are spent on the job. Our awareness switches from task to task, focussed on deadlines, tranquilized by busyness.

Sometimes the situation changes abruptly. In the aftermath, we scramble to make sense. Perhaps the sufferings of others afflicts us. Looking back, we realize how the crisis brought clarification. What was concealed now shows itself. Eyes once gripped by daily concerns return to the present.

The fool thinks he is the job, the exam grades, the unfinished essay, the investment portfolio, the half-completed resume. Conversation can wait; prayer doesn't happen; he writes a cheque, but has no time to serve. The fool forgets. God sends wake-up calls. From disaster may come gratitude and attention. What really matters is already present. We just forget.

jeanne schuler

20 October 2006

2 poems by arthur yap (1943-2006)
and some say the day begins and ends with a song...


poem one-

dawn

dawn in the quiet key of light
utters a whole paragraph of hues
in the early mutter of an aviary.

clear upward life of night,
tensile & then quickly certain:
the lively key to morning
is mysteriously sharp, already laden
with the still, angular mirrors of noon.

the day obtains itself.
the evening obtains skies and dawn.

19 October 2006



poem two-

evening

one thing to mark is lovely
see the weight of sunset
perched convergent on the horizon
washed by the tide culled from here,

seagulls rising
are erased by an arc of light
refracting direction of wings,
water out-folding
seals the earth beneath
and throbs over a mile of wind

18 October 2006


Letters to my son - kent nerburn

Once many years ago i was present at a total eclipse of the sun. I had climbed to the top of the high hill and had sat down to wait. It was early morning, slightly past sunup. Birds were singing in the trees around me. Far below on a hillside cows were grazing and horses rustled in the tall grasses.

When the moment came, the sun began to darken. The horses were silent, the cows stood still. The birds ceased their chirping. As the sun disappeared behind the moon, the earth became still. The cows sank to their knees and the birds placed their heads beneath their wings.

Only the ghostly corona of the hidden sun remained to cast a fragile light on the enveloping darkness. There was no wind. There was no sound. The light of the sun had been taken away from us and the world was cast into a great darkness.

At that moment something momentous happened: I no longer feared death. I felt annihiltion, but annihilation into a oneness. I thought of my uncle who at that moment lay dying thousands of miles away. I thought of his fear and his loneliness and wished for all the world that he could have been with me for those seconds when the sun gave up its light.

I can't put a name to the knowledge I gained. It was too far beyond the human for me to understand. But I know it had to do with death, and I know it had to do with the great darkness into which we must all go.

There was a peace there, a peace that surpasses all understanding.

When fears of death ovewhelm me, as they do at moments of sickness or great danger, I think of that hilltop and the birds with their heads tucked beneath their wings. All of us - me, the birds, the cows, and the horses - had been taken up into something larger than life itself.

Our selves had been obliterated; our individuality taken from us. Yet there was no impulse to scream against that obliteration. We were subsumed into something so great that we accepted it like the tranquil embrace of a long-sought sleep.

If that moment on the hillside contained truth - and I think it did - we do death no justice by measuring it against ourselves. We are too small; it is too great. What we fear is only the loss of the self, and the self knows eternity like a shadow knows the sun.

So, fear dying if you must. It takes from us the only life we can understand, but that is a worthy loss to mourn. But do not fear death. It is something too great to celebrate, too great to fear. Either it brings us to a judgement, so it is ours to control by the kind of life we live, or it annihilates us into the great rhythm of nature, and we join the eternal peace of the revolving heavens.

In either case, I believe in my heart that it is ours to trust.

In the brief moment when I stood on that hillside while the earth's light went out, I felt no indifference and no sense of loss. Instead I felt an unutterable sense of gain, a shattering of all my own boundaries into a vast sense of peace.

If that was a moment of death, death should hold no terror, and we should embrace our dying as a momentary passage into the great harmony of eternity. Perhaps we cannot hear that harmony now. Perhaps we even hear it as a vast and empty silence. But we should not be deceived. That vastness is not empty, it is a presence. Even in the greatest places silence has a sound.


--------------------------------- ----------------- ----------------- ----------------

we only saw the flight-paths of birds that day. no eclipse was in sight. beside us were fellow companions and a book of poems. still, the same silence visited us that evening and left a vanished trail on our lives, the little that remained of the two years spent in college, the many hopes we carry within and the uninviting futures which lay ahead.

-unwritten notes on a final stop-
ap field trip to chua chu kang lawn cemetery class of 2004 / 2005-

16 October 2006

-to you who left your notes behind-

hi people, been trying to catch some of you online but to no avail. hope to have a chat with you soon...will simply pen a quick thought here to catch you all within a span of time.


khai & ray - instinctual jungle airborne lads...remember your frolic by the stream at central catchment reserve? i gave clearence for you guys to test the silty waters on our gp eco-trip to the forest. that day remains memorable in more ways than one. you shared your rustic best and helped make a classroom out of canopy and soft sand. hope you'll find time to reclaim abit of your love for the outdoors in ns. during my days, we used to be sent to tuas area for gpmg firing. it showed a slice of singapore in its jurrassic-best...i remember the red flares fired across the dark skies and the songs of cicadas in the night. pandan cakes, mess-tins and milo with my platoon mates, not quite waiting for dawn to end. not a bad life afterall and a portion of life never to be lived again. once you realise that, you'll know what to do from there, stagnant as the days may seem but still...




nat-king- kang & seokie...your video screams supreme and makes you a ready-spawn of the mtv (that's quite passe by now) hybrid. Strange how memories can come in quick successions, pulsating the high moments that will always haunt your recollection of a fateful day at ikea. You are a closet chef in the making...mixing and remix are your call of the day. Why lock it in the kitchen? Blaze the mind and forge an unknown road...Cook and braise more memories for us. Mmm, info-com at nus might just be your cup of tea, try la? Seok, the pic you gave permission to be shown to the whole cosmos. Am sure you like it!















hannah, rachel, fel, daena, cerina & lay kwan...panic not in uni-life. your essays must evolve with time. being 'anal is good'...pack every sentence structure with awe and beyond all roundabouts, be guided by a faint vision in mind. your hard work will take you somewhere if you allow yourself time to trip, fall and grow. edit till your mind is content but watch the deadlines...fuss up your tone, polish your points and be the most ruthless editor of your own accomplishments. others may do crap and submit their script. and if intellectual fulfillment is what you seek, claim it with your very soul...your intellect is God's gift to you. tried and tested, it can also build and heal (hannah- the last line is for you)


















jae & sealz...indefatiguable, indestructible, fun-pack of the lot and nothing quite defeats you. keep the class in line, gel the lost, shove the bros and bring back the wanderer. sometimes good sports can quench an arid heart; basketball, captains' ball, netball are all good ways to bond a class with a million zillion schizoid personalities. Retain your shine. Leap like a seal. JC days are too short to let it all go away on one shot. extend the hours of conversations with friends. i have not named you 'mutants' for a reason. be humble beacons for the class, over many more seasons.

15 October 2006


O God,

here i am,

ceaseless, furtive, unfree.

still

you call me to be whole and
true.

one,
constant image of love
for you.

O God, faithful and good

i rest in you.

amen

-------------

With the gift of listening comes the gift of healing, because listening to a child or a friend until he has said the last word in his heart is healing and consoling. Someone has said that it is possible to ‘listen a person’s soul into existence.’ I like that.

Catherine de Hueck Doherty
http://www.madonnahouse.org/doherty/index.html

13 October 2006

















random recollections on a warm spring day-

back where i belong

a distant song returning gladness as trees stand grateful, sensing a mynah's call in the morning, while a stray rests, watchful for friends as temperate coral-blue skies bestow coolness, and quiets the evening. green coasts bring tidings scented with an old tang of salt- sudden distilled tastes airing a roomful of loss, spoken in restive and humid language- contouring shorelines of memory where sampans, iced tea, date palms, wild boar, hibiscus and attap re-trace ready maps on the mind.

sights i miss, and missing.

unfinished chapters- pulau ubin, singapore

8 October 2006


In solitude, we discover that being is more important that having, and that we are worth more than the result of our efforts. In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It’s there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we express is part of a greater love; and that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to but a gift to be received.
Henry Nouwen




Normal day,
let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.







befriending death and
into life

lay my brother to sleep
my faithful brother-abbot and friend
i will watch the sun for you, cast longer days into the past
as you sing your song of faith
and live into my heart.

in memory of fr. kevin o'farrell (1919-2006), trappist monk,
first abbot of tarrawarra abbey, australia. (cisterican.org.au)






ordained as priest,
to serve humanity
your total family.
sharing Christ best not
through word but by example.
fidelity in heart, compassion in touch and gentleness
in a smile...apostle of your own weakness becoming strength
everytime you kneel, everytime we pray.

Ordination of Deacon Ngyuen Xuan Thinh
into Priesthood. 16 Sept. 2006, St Patrick's Cathedral.





there is a green blue day which kave the horse came and crunched a red apple from your hands. the sweetness of encounters. fruit juice sparkles in sun. joe's crayon sketch for joe while molly paints many more windows 'in my Father's house.' ice-cream scones and a little candle to remember our birth for the days which we blossom in grace. cloudsong & meadows, flowers to forget the rain.





Sunday Gospel 8 Oct. 2006: Mark 10:14-16

Let the little children come to me; do not prevent them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these...then Jesus embraced and blessed them, placing his hands on them




















highlights of an ordinary day and a study-break:

(a) olive motifs

i. lunching on smoked trout fresh spinach with peppers, olives, tomatos, chives, cheese and pita bread while the wild wind beats cold on windowpanes. a thin slice of glass defining what it means to be cosy while the rest of the city sits still in spring rain.

ii. My table sprawled with fragments of unreasonably thick readings and seasoned drafts. i struggle to hold an absent intellect as the pink flesh of smoked fish slips out of sandwich, scenting theories and case studies with a quick drizzle of olive oil.






















(b) tails and raisins - a mean and successful dish. a glorious pot of stewed oxtail with potatos, peas, carrots, raisins, port and red wine. it came about from a mishmash 7 minutes of research on the internet. handcopied and mixed to the brim. secret lies in sitting the casserole overnight, then heat it over low flame again, allowing port and wine to soak deep. a morsel of meat falling effortlessly, off a fork. thick broth and comfort food, richness of wine, morsels of deep goodness from the pan.

(c) eastern surrender- i wanted to step beyond stacks of notes and transcend all the useless prose that says little and delivers nothing. another pretensious use of alphabets, save the few lines of gem that sealed and polished a noteworthy point.



6 October 2006





Quirks on the land
and into the sky

melbourne city paints and sings itself as a work of art ...the bustle along swanston and collins street give way to a pang of silence or shock not commonly found in the 80+ cities, townships (or 24 countries) i've been elsewhere, around the world. there is the cow in the sky. an inverted flesh-mixed-concrete milkpot topped on the bare branches of an old tree. at other junctions, trains run like matchbox toys on the go, fixated to the rail, knitted to a land of journeys. buskers make living out of used pots and pans and breezy individuals and the occasional gull, lie /stand flat on spring grass, letting the day wash over them, almost always oblivious to the oncoming list of schedules and tasks to be done that day. The dome of another museum returns a chapter of time to europe. And pedestrians walk on, breathing the day as it is, most times ready with a hurried and earnest smile to aid those in need.

i was heading home one evening on the tram. the gust of spring winds chilled the carriage. people were going home in the still of night. some carried brown bags of leftover party food, perhaps just enough for breakfast the next day. a pair of lovebirds cuddled for warmth while a teenager, ear-choked with spikes and chains beams a silver ray of relief against the deepening dark.

and there it happened...a whistle, followed by a jazzful trail of song, serenaded across the tram speakers. it came from the tram driver's compartment. i could never remember the exact tune or words but the lyric sense & tenor made us all stare wide-eyed to the front, immersed, if only for a few minutes, into the evensong that was sung. there i was, with my feet on the seat, i became another melbournite one rough tumble ruffian of sorts, cast into deep spell, encountering jazz in the most unlikely places. we all applauded the driver when he ended his call, appreciative of his tender and most unexpected gift, plucking a chord, riding on the lull of his own voice...taking us home...

4 October 2006


i trialed my days with doubt my eyes shut down they were suddenly ashamed
of unfaithful gazing and faithless wandering a pilgrim's hope and
the kneeling dissolving into tears
and nights are daylight the noonsun smite the eye
even the gentlest breeze blows cold on skin

nowhere to run but left alone to watch keeping vigil on the slightest touch of mercy
streaming in into a prison's heart

raising me to a still point on a hill a city echoes the passing silence wordless air
dark light surrounding soul nothing but complete surrender

to raw faith and its yielding to a road
with a clearing at its end.