a lost key pouch

i lost my keypouch last saturday evening. 3 keys to my personal drawers, an mart card loaded with $30 credit and $70. pouch was a gift from my sister last christmas and it smelled great in leather. i wrote my personal particulars on the card and pouch. any literate person would know how to return it. i woke early, took a bus and retraced my steps along shunfu road the next day. also alerted citicab, cold storage novena square and my friend for any possible trace or accidental recovery, just in case, in his place. still no news at this point of writing.

the following statements record the process of rationalisation that occurred within the week. so much for claiming to know myself so well.

Response A: i will try to ride on the spiritual assurance of a friend. she would pray. i too must pray. then i should trust God and await the miraculous appearence of my lost item. nothing lost, nothing broken- bible passage quoted in detail.

Response B: what if God answers 'no' in response? no further help for me. pouch does not appear. and never will. should i then lose my petty faith in God and trust him less?

Response C: believe it probably went to someone in greater need than me... maybe a poor family found it and decided to use it. mmmm..the amount would sustain their transport and daily needs for the next 2 weeks.

Response D:. still there is no need for them to do that, right? why can't they just take the card and money and return the rest to some police post? they could even call me and 'pretend' to be a good samaritan instead?

Response E:. why is God like that? why can't he even fulfil a simple prayer like this?

Response F: the economic crisis has hit alot of people. others have also lost a life, their loved ones or their jobs. what is a missing key pouch compared to other kinds of loss that people are facing? let go. com'on be grateful you even have a stable job in these hard times.

Response G: tsk....just be more alert next time, k? lesson learnt?

Response H: well, better to lose a key pouch and some cash than the handphone, an entire wallet (packed with ic, credit cards etc etc) or a passport! i am darn lucky coz it could have been worse!

there are other losses to come in life. one former student comforted me by claiming that one lost item hints of better tidings to come in one's life.

it is a tough 'act' trying to look on the bright side, to trust God (still) and not get overly entangled over the secular streak that is entwined within. i am quite a contradiction in terms- a social sceptic and spiritual optimist at the same time.

feb first: one life

this is a simple birthday song that carries much meaning for me. thanks to all who dropped notes everywhere in virtual, electronic and physical space to wish and celebrate with me. have always wanted to compile photographs from birth to now, just to establish an existential cope to the ways i've been, struggled and grown. i will do this by year-end(?)... am still be-coming...be-holding what this one life may mean for others and me. maybe a line or two from cormay's song may also light a path inside your heart as you celebrate your own birthday sometime this year, even if it had just passed.
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"When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; When i became an adult, I put aside childish things...

...In the same way, we see now, indistinctly, as in a mirror. But someday, we are going to see God in his completeness, face to face. At present, I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known..."

1 corith: 13: 11- 12

Have asked that these words (esp verse 12) be engraved on my stone the day i leave earth for heaven. Birthdays help me remember my origin, my beginnings and my end. In between are many slips, detours, quiet peaks and rich valleys that have marked one life with many lessons, much wisdom and alot of beauty. Thanks to all for being a part of my life...i've also come this far because of you. Am grateful we share this one life together, our lifetime, our grace to be.