a quiet space - for matthew

your names came before the memories; charmaine, kevin, momo. james. tricia-gloria. uncles ric & adrian. grandfather. roderick. matthew. uncle & aunty yee. you're that one life, waking. entwined among other lives. the gentle hold of faith, breaking its hands. the sudden death and illness that took you away.

i remember my jc classmate, matthew whom we had to carry on wheelchair. there were 6 boys in the class. 5 of us held up your chair, and you, thin and frail but present in spirit. too weak to retort, still you fought forever to be irreverent , cheerful. relishing the good memory of sports and games we once played... our indulgent selves then- competing for history, your eventual bated curse that i had the same grade in econs as you. that fateful day in march. we no longer know how exactly to relate home to someone who used to call the shots. our smiles were warm but heavy. the 5 of us carrying your wheechair, then laying you on your bed. feebly, you took the straw. rosemary helped you with soup. if friendship has a sound to its name, these drops of silence would have echoed the presence and sharings we kept; a quiet bond, beyond compassion... we stood before your coffin months later, disbelief, before you who left us for good. you were the one who kept the class together, free car-rides in every gathering, way before we got our license. you squeezed as many of us into your car before u sped us from city to home. that was how important class reunions are, for you. everyone mattered. especially our gang. on the day of your funeral, we stood awashed, renewed in rain and memory. edgar read the euology. 'asshole...bastard...shakespeare, moonie-moons, prom and wrestlemania, my f9 in chinese, LA gear, winnie's ostrich legs, mindy oh so confusing, that walking pimple, imagining scotty saunders spouting hokkien expletives, anybodee wanna slap de costa(?), wang mang the play, gp debates. your fav ms tan chee chian (!!!), indus valley, manbir's pose, pe with ms 'ecstasy' , 6pm captain balls then KFC and other more than perfect competitions' - terms and words u used to called us all into being, into affection, never sounded so painful the hour that day. later, i saw your coffin enter the furnance. we were only 24 then. we walked out, speechless, empty. guowei kicked a tuft of grass that stood in his way, preferring to walk back on his own. still, 2 other cars drove us home. you wouldn't want us to be stranded or lost.
we still recollect u, matthew... when we gather these days, rare as it seems: ms yeow, tiansin, eddie, guowei, edgar, yuanbiao. 3 teachers, 1 VP, another in foreign service, your best pal in consultancy. you missing, among the gathering. made present when we smile & claim back your name.

as i speak, the ashes in air scatter, then gather, becoming whole & white again, like doves soaring, beyond the plains and grass we once played, near once more, on heaven's shore.