in a single day, the grace of memory fills the little hours between...from a solo bike, to final evenings waiting for train by a wet station, the countless moments spent with you...your name becomes a smile, once more to bless and remember...and always...in gratitude...
uphill climb
my first snowman...cheerful, spiked, grinning, focused, intent, intense, still, silent. cynic. solitary. finding... found. free.
pat, as always, timed her painting to arrive from s'pore just when i was about to leave for home. it speaks alot to the closures i've been making. the reflections made. coming through a forest, darkening but surely, a darkness that is freeing. she knows where we've been. 
received this emblem of the good shepherd from calvin. a gift from the cathedral. jesus holding the lamb, framed by the vine and branches. the cross, a sacrifice. the lamb, each other, family, friends even our faith...to be blessed, held, cared for , then set free to give life to others. much like, teaching as a vocation. a meditation on john 15: 1-17. and john 10: 14-16. Word of God, with me since the beginning of life... Cross of Christ challenging and guiding us for a lifetime.
umbrella got shredded apart. i learnt to lean on my windbreaker instead. footsteps impeded by wind and rain. shoes and socks, wet. slept with winds hissing outside my window. raindrops pattering till dawn. next day, managed to meet up with writer boey kim cheng for coffee. his friends call him kim. i followed suit. shared about family, travel, life, teaching and poetry. his latest collection too and a collection of prose to be published in singapore soon. he remembered pjc. said he returned to singapore last dec. and was invited to share some of his works with other jcs here. pioneer left an impression which others did not: our students were somewhat more keen, engaging, appreciative and humble than the rest he said. i beamed with pride. we also managed to catch one of the most original movies i've watched this year...paris je'taime. 
a french-english montage of stories about people falling, journeying, making, rediscovering, tolerating, feasting, breaking, living, sensing love. in paris, city of lights, mythical city of that one lost elusive emotion we call love. this film took me beyond the realm of emotion. it taught and showed much. love beyond its cloying sweetness. love in all its groundedness. i remember the new scents emitted from those short confectionary of stories. some are multilingual yet every piece is woven by a common language we are all familiar with. my fav. piece involved a blind lad and his galfren. cut-throat narrative, a heartfelt poem in voice and visuals. there were others of equal worth and dignity - man and mamasan, papasan and his apparent lass, art and artist, young and old, adult and teenager, married and/or divorced, fidelity and promiscuity, parent and child, 
straight and /or gay, strangers and friends, muslim and non-believer (or so we thought), migrant and immigrant, mortal and immortal, a communal solitaire, near east and distant west, between life, beyond death...many big names and some directors contributed their creative thought to this quiet masterpiece: elijah wood, natalie portman, gerard depardieu, juliette binoche, the late oscar wilde (haha) and even wes craven (!). an ethereal voiceover song from faye wong's tian kong took my head off my neck! kim sniggered. i laughed my heart out and almost broke my seat for that one postmodern piece. so darn intelligent and yet so subtle on its intent. the entire ensemble was always celebratory and elegiac in form. a rare vintage of fluid thought, self contained visions and miniature portions of truth. i wished every take became a portrait or book i could take home or share in a literature classroom. i will watch it again. it has too much to teach. and many chapters to share. still, more doors to be opened. paris je'taime... > 12 characters. 12 lives. one common road. one film. 
john who burns dvds for me in exchange for meals like these. he burn i cook. we eat. share talk videos. govt. badawi. racism. church. our plain good life in melbourne. maidi whom God sent in the last minute when my computer crashed for the week. 2 8000 word assignment at stake! solid neighbours. solid folks. i am the oooldest of all. they are still undergrads in tow. 3 big and generous singaporeans lodged in the middle of winter. battling a recent burglar and one eeevil estate manager. we all know who she is..shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
dear God, i didn't expect to be here. have long resisted the idea. melbourne was more than a figment. a mere holiday destination. sometimes, a needed reunion. then again, it happened only at tarrawarra. 
grace touches you at an unknown hour and the road widened, with every gateway falling away. the more i walked and explored, the more tangible the thought became. confirming your quiet call. leading on. courage received. one season of uncertainty and the rich fullness of another three. an awaited arrival. complete the harvest, now. a return home to grace. everything i hold in my hand. 
this kingdom you described is not some abstract palace in the sky. it is life, given and gifted to me. in full and humble recognition of your footprints, our journeying, yours' beside mine. i remember your mercy Lord and the love you have shown from of old. do not remember the straying paths of my youth, but in your love, remember me. psalm 25
tank with upturned branches and a carpet of sand and water to cover. caecilians, rainbow crabs. the occasional shrimps and food-fish are on my list. home...is to find and set up my own tank again. this was the one i had to dismantle shortly before i left, in july 06. what a foilage! what a waste. resurrection beckons. nostalgia remains. 
a missing tank. one missing room. and nearing home.
gratitude for life, received...well-lived. fifteen more. and still, so many more daygifts to be opened. i'm ready to go, Lord. knowing, in leaving, i live. closing one life and re-opening another. finding and reclaiming my faith in You again, once more. 
something i found from one of my readings...more than food for thought. my lecturers in nie (there was only one who seriously taught and shared herself as a teacher. i still remember her name...) were too busy covering the syllabus to help us critique this. ahem...
responsibilities of adults in a democratic society and to exercise the greatest possible degree of control over their own fate. To educate is to look for truth, to stir discomfort in placid minds of the unthinking, to shake ideologies, disturb complacency, undermine the tyranny of anti-intellectual commercialism which reins in the marketplace and in some of our legislatures, to the disadvantage of all of us. To educate is to reject the false analogies of the marketplace, to see justice and equality as noble aims rather than as obstacles to a takeover bid, to insist that human progress has no bottom line. 
group of carthusian monks in
france. 3 hours of coarse & barren fidelity and one hears the purity of silence and the still small voice of the Lord. 2 faces of the same church. broken and whole, the body of Christ. faith lost, torn and challenged but some are healed and regained. what it means to be christian in today's world.... My Best Friend was done in the tradition of The 8th Day. the french piece dealt with friendship between 2 men, one who was divorced and betrayed, the other simply did not know how to be a friend. a humorous mix of masculine dialogue, materialism and desensitisation which finally ended in the most human discourse between 2 protangonists at the end of the film. all through a gameshow. thoughtful. and ever so subtle. definitely a far-cry from those jack neo's 'THIS IS THE INTENDED MEANING OF THIS FILM AND I WILL PASTE THEM TO YOUR FLAT FACE' kind of film-making. artless. 
sneaked into high-tech law library to blog. some students are smoking outside. winter blues. exam hues. more than thankful that postgrads are spared from all that old nonsense. i remember very quickly those pangs and crammings during my nus days. all over. well-deserved. country-road sale tomorrow. got myself a membership. advanced notice. up to 75% off. opens 8am tmr. some nice clothes to support my transition back to work. for now, the open space...breathe.
