landscape. 2008

new year's eve by east coast, content to see families and independent scores of revellers bbqing the night away. the old smells of corn, chicken and prawn reminding me of an idyllic childhood spent in st john's island. the quiet spell was occasionally undercut by rhythms from sunset bay. they were playing the 80s...tots, teens, yuppies in berms and old men & ladies in jeans boogey the last hours away. i caught the sight of ships releasing their flares into the night as the clock struck twelve. airliners were making their descent to changi. they were several every minute. what is it like to arrive in a new country on the last hours of a year? or step onto seasoned ground as the new year came? the cabin must be draped in a party-mood. anticipations ahead.

we had one bottle of shiraz with us. some fine glasses to complete that old bond.


then the texts came...a friend asked for prayers. her friend's her 5 year old son drowned today. another former student contacted me online- a badly- timed breakup. she was in pain and needed to chat. i taught them both so the news still came as a shock. my friend was reminded of his own when the same thing happened to him 3 years back. all on the eve of the a new and suspicious year that can easily start in goodwill and close in bad fate. mortal death. relational deaths. no beginnings in sight. a stark bruise of sadness festering into grief. pointless are our attempts to control the tides of life when it throws and sharpens our absent fate on rocks. lives smashed by the safe shores of our giving, our sometimes blind and faithful dreams.

i no longer believe in the need for resolutions. there is also nothing more to believe or to cast away. what is urgent and real lies in the simple cold truth: to be more present to myself and others, just for today. what matters today may extend to the future. but the energies and opportunities present this hour will not return nor can they ever be reclaimed. there is a empty sense of freedom in the new air i breathe. a yet-to-be-named moment to come: when i am finally able to see the white rays of first light extend beyond the familiar forest of trees. walking, i home in on a song, the barren and celebrated road leading to the orphanage within.