line of trees in may

leaves fall on the month of may. it was almost three years back when i last caught maples dusting the air with applescent . and recall story of lives covered in autumn reds.my hands listen for rain.

where trees in gold

rewrite dreams once more.

drawn by grace...

dear friends...

a group of us will be holding an art exhibtion at nus cultural centre from 26-28 june 2009. we'll be sharing pieces that we have been working on for the past year or so, depicting our experiences and interpretations of life and our journeys. this is my first.

personally, i feel quite intimidated, having to share my works with more experienced artists. i have not forgotten my sad grades for o-level art as well! it's good to exorcise these demons for good and step forward with hope and courage

please drop by if you are free. looking forward to your quiet support.

for more info visit -
www.stmary.sg/paulthemusical/artexhibition

a shining life

i enjoyed myself thoroughly at the recently-concluded raffles dance night where students showcased their best award-winning performances shown on syf. the delicate power and sensitivity for the piece depicting the experiences of japanese comfort women was spell-binding to say the least.indian dance's shakthi and another modern piece, ecstasy was equally inviting with broad strokes of indian feminist mythology and contemporary macabre igniting the soul.

what would our world be like should dance be spilled on the byways of our strait-laced city life, beyond the ndp orchestration that we see annually? this happened in antwerp, belgium. i couldn't care less if it was a staged event or not. it tells me so much about our common capacity for delight as a human community, a fact often drowned amid the intellectual discourse that sadly covers up our potential for playful celebration against the imposed monotony of industrized & 'contemporized' existence.

avila

Simone Weil has described prayer as a patient waiting with expectancy. It is a paradox of tension that combines the absence and the presence of God; the already and the not yet; the returning and the going; tender loving possession and the agony of searching for the lost...

george maloney: alone with the alone

missing gp...

a note from a fellow educator in light of the ministry's latest directive related to aware saga...there are days when a subject holds far more potential than some are willing to admit or correct their own preconceptions in light of reality.

Here is the 'offending' note...not featured in mainstream media.

Offend? Does it?

I Teach General Paper, not Homosexuality

With all due respect to the well-meaning “concerned parents” out there, this is starting to sound like a dodgy GP essay to me.Apparently, because my students and I “discuss topics such as the legalisation of gay marriage and parents of the same sex forming families through adoption” in class, I am guilty of promoting homosexuality.

Right.

But never mind. MOE has already come to the rescue with their statement that “GP lessons are meant to promote critical thinking” and GP teachers “should also adhere to social norms and values of our mainstream society”.

Oh yes, apparently one can facilitate critical thinking, that is, the reasoned questioning of assumptions, norms and values AND fully reinforce and adhere to social norms at the same time.And wait, I see this again, in the debate on sexuality education and just what should be said about homosexuality:

1. Homosexuality is against the social norms and values of mainstream society.

2. Homosexuality is illegal and considered unnatural under Singapore law.

The first thing any student of GP (or indeed, any human being who knows anything about world history) will realise, is that social norms change. Secondly, if you insist on going by “mainstream” values and beliefs, you may like to follow 43% of Singaporeans and look to Buddhism, which views homosexuality on neutral grounds, as opposed to Christianity (15%) and Islam (15%).In any case, the legal argument will only hold as long as homosexual acts are considered illegal in Singapore.... and judging from the force of change in the world, frankly my dear, you can't hold the dam for much longer.

Singapore's law criminalising homosexual acts is based on British law – which decriminalised this in 1967.Other countries which have decriminalised homosexuality include France (1791), The Netherlands (1811), Brazil (1830), Ottoman Empire (1858), Germany (1871), Japan (1880), Italy (1889), USSR (1922), Denmark (1930), Iceland (1940), Switzerland (1942), Sweden (1944), Greece (1951), Thailand (1956), Israel (1963), Chad (1967), Canada (1969), Kosovo (1970), Australia (1981), South Africa (1994), China (1997) etc.

This shows an increasing acceptance that personal preferences that do not harm anyone else should not be governed (in this case, criminalised) by the state. As with the wearing away of all other forms of inequality, I believe this discrimination of homosexuals cannot last.So what are we left with?Are we justifying a brand of education with reasons that won't hold weight for much longer?You may argue that making something legal doesn't make it right, and you have a point. But then that would depend on what you consider “right”, which really is a moral issue and one that concerns personal belief.

So I have two points for you:

1. Personal beliefs – religious or otherwise – should not influence the laws of a secular society. The onus is on parents and preachers to educate their children in these beliefs. Say what you want at the pulpit, not in Parliament, and certainly, do not foist this responsibility onto your child's teachers in secular schools.

2. It is unfair, impractical and dangerous to insist that youths be given only the old rules when they live in a completely different world. Parents, if you insist on a black-and-white moral education for your children, you only drive them into secrecy when they need you most. If teachers cannot teach openly and factually, rest assured that the internet will.As an educator and maybe future parent, I admit I am less concerned about whether my children are homosexual/transsexual/(fill in the blank) or not, and more concerned that they should always respect others and themselves, never discriminate, always critically examine issues, always feel free to share their thoughts with me without fear of condemnation, always love and always be loved no matter what.

This is my hope.

Lisa Li
11 May 2009

PS. If you think your children will rush to become homosexual/transsexual/(fill in the blank) because of my words, I THANK YOU for crediting me with such influence! By the way, your children are smarter than you think....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

there are teachers and there are educators...

To all the Educators I know-

Commonsense and a sprinkle of creativity work the magic,

on days when theories or warnings fail...

Lipstick in School

(You've got to love this principal..a true story)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem.. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers....

and then there are educators.

on sexuality and personhood

i've been quoting buechner's writings for sometime now as they have played a quiet role in shaping my understanding of faith, life and humanity at large. the current debate between moe and aware over their understanding of human sexuality is an interesting one. both seek to support the role of educators in society. both carry equal potential to educate society at large based on the kind of proper discourse they bring into debates. however, one party seems more pressured to cite presumed social norms as an evasive argument to the facts at hand about human sexuality while the other points to deeper layers of truth embedded in human consciousness, genetics and identity. there are sexual minorities in society just as there are minorities in terms of their race, enthnicity, disability, eye colour, skin colour, left or right handers...all that is given by our genes...some assume certain aspects can be changed, with some difficulty, as some may argue, like hair colour! are we looking at imposed changes or a informed choice based on a person's fundamental understanding of self and the pursuit of happiness? can this be tweaked at all? even if so, at what price?in an existential take on the issue, buechner's distilled spirituality seeks to transcend the stodgy debates that are often reported without further thought mostly by official narratives represented by the local press. homosexual-

One of the ways that we are attracted to each other is sexually. We want to touch and be touched. We want to give and receive pleasure with our bodies, be it holding hands, eating a good meal or a walk in the rain. We want to know each other in our full nakedness, which is to say in our full humaness, and in the moment of passion, become one with each other. Whether it is our own gender or the other that we are chiefly attracted seems a secondary matter. There is a female element in every male just as there is a male element in every female, and most people, if they are honest, will acknowledge having at one time or another been attracted to both.

To say that morally, spiritually, humanly, homosexuality is always bad seems as absurd as to say in the same terms that heterosexuality is always good, or the other way round. It is not the object of our sexuality that determines its value but the inner nature of our sexuality. If (a) it is as raw as the coupling of animals, at its worst, it demeans us and at its best still leaves our deepest hunger for intimacy unsatisfied. If (b) it involves some measure of kindness, understanding, affection as well as genuine intimacy, sacrifice or emotional integrity, it can potentially become an expression of human love in its fullness and can thus help to complete us as human persons. Whatever our sexual preference happens to be, both of these possibilities are always there. It's not whom you go to bed with or what you do when you get there that matters much. It's what besides sex you are asking to receive, and what besides sex you are offering to give...if sex is on your mind at all.

Here and there, the bible condemns homosexuality in the sense of (a) just as under the headings of adultery and fornication it also condemns heterosexuality in the sense of (a). On the subject of homosexuality in the sense of (b), it is as silent as it is on the subject of sexuality generally in the sense of (b). The great commandment is that we are to love one another - responsibly, faithfully, joyfully - and presumably the biblical view is implied in that.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm

Beyond that, "love is as strong as death," sings Solomon in his song. "Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it" (Song of Solomon 8:6-7). Whoever you are and whomever you desire, the passion of those lines is something you are quick to recognise.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

adapted from frank buechner: whistling in the dark

letter by gwee: 2

A CHRISTIAN SOLUTION TO THE AWARE CONUNDRUM
By Gwee Li Sui

This is a follow-up to my earlier note. After posting it, I received -- and am still receiving -- words of thanks and encouragement from many Christians and people with different beliefs and opinions. The Christians specifically said that it was what they needed to hear or would have liked to get across themselves.But I have also received less appreciative messages. Some of these charged me with having sown discord and embarrassed Christianity in front of non-believers. The irony did not escape me, but then I began to wonder whether I did make one too many assumptions. These comments were probably knee-jerk reactions, meaning that some Christians may actually not have thought it possible that other Christians, a whole lot of us, could be this appalled with the episode.For this reason, as a brother-in-Christ, I feel that I need to believe that the new ex-co's sadness over its negative reception and its willingness to heal the social rifts it caused are genuine.

There has already been too much distrust, and somewhere trust has to re-begin. My appeal for non-support is not about humiliating or condemning any group of individuals on either side. Those who have hoped that I came out in strong condemnation of one, emailing me links to sex education and "the gay agenda", or in clear support of the other, initially mistitling my view as "supporting the Old Guard", know that I won't.This is not being wishy-washy; it is staying focussed. The simple disagreement is with a course of action pursued by a group of Christians that has caused suspicion between communities and fear within each. If everyone is to set aside his or her own fixation -- gay, anti-gay, faith in practice, fundamentalism, etc. -- and trace back to the source of our current unhappiness, he or she will see that it all started with a single fateful decision.

One ought not then to doubt that these Christians intend good from their point of view, but one has every reason to doubt that things could be restored and relationships healed by going down the same road.As the party involved is Christian, the most amicable solution may well also be the most obvious. In fact, how could we not have seen it? We Christians believe in a God who gives every person second chances in life. Every chance after the first two is still the second: that's how gracious we believe He is! When one makes a mistake or realises that one has followed a bad choice, there is no shame in admitting wrong, so long as one is sincere about changing. The choice to turn back is never a Christian defeat; it is our triumph! Indeed, paradoxically in this situation, one can also only move on, move forward, by going backwards to the point where the wrong choice was made and choose rightly this time. This is a versatile truth I learnt from C. S. Lewis a long time ago. If the new ex-co will, without contest, give up its seats for a more inclusive shape of leadership in AWARE, it will have regained, I dare say, the faith of many Singaporeans and the admiration and support of every Christian in full measure. These individuals can then go on to pursue in earnest their concern over homosexual teaching in schools and related issues with the right authorities. I want to believe that everyone in that later business will be cooperative and respect the eventual findings, whatever the outcome is. If the AWARE Christians in current leadership and those gearing up to vote tomorrow will choose this infinitely less harmful route, they will have made us all who are Christians proud of them. Do consider the option seriously: it is as practical and as Christian as it can get. Realise that fellow believers like me who are outraged want peace too and have been praying for it. But, when it comes to making peace a reality, only specific individuals are able to effect it. The ball is in their court alone. We can all avoid a confrontation. We can stun the nation with one simple move that affirms love, faith, and hope, all at once.

Yours Truly,
Gwee Li Sui

letter by gwee : 1

a timely note and appeal from a fellow poet, christian and lit senior whom i knew since nus. pls feel free to share with others...

CHRISTIANS AGAINST AWARE TAKEOVER
Gwee Li Sui

Christians in Singapore, listen! You should not be this conflicted about the AWARE debacle. It appears that a few churches have already taken the opportunity to preach on the issue of homosexuality from the pulpit. Some Christians have also been rattling on about it being time to make a stand and be counted for what one truly believes.

So this is me making a stand right here. I have been a Bible-believing Christian for 25 years now. I want first to acknowledge fellow believers who, like me, are shocked, angered, and saddened by the takeover and feel that their faith has been hijacked and their views ignored. I know that a lot of such affected Christians are out there. There is also another group which may not agree with the new team's tactics but admires its fervour or sympathises with it for the heat it has been getting.

But, most of all, I want to address a crucial third party: Christian women who have been encouraged to stand up and be counted for their beliefs. I wish to appeal to their good sense in these last hours. You may be one of these and have even joined, or are planning to join, AWARE to help swing the votes in favour of the new ex-co on Saturday. Especially if I am describing you, please read on! Yes, there are times when a Christian needs to make a courageous stand – but, in every event, always ask yourself: For what cause is this? What context does it serve? The current scenario is not one where we are being asked what our beliefs on certain issues are or whether Christianity and homosexuality are compatible or we are being mocked or discriminated against. It is a simple context where a group of well-meaning Christians infiltrated a secular organisation in order to be in a position to dictate their own values in its daily running. In this light, what a Christian may feel about issues like homosexuality is besides the point!

As a secular body, AWARE rightly cannot have a vision that treats women from different backgrounds through the outlook of just one religious system. Indeed, I dare say that an appropriate Christian response is to resist the actions of these Christians. Just as God gave every person free choice and the opportunity to believe, we ought to support the sanctity of this right for others to make up their own minds and live their own lives. Just as we do not force the Christian faith down someone's throat against his or her will, we should not take over a non-religious organisation for the single purpose of making others unlike us behave as we believe. To do this would be a gross misapplication of the message of Jesus.

If you support the new ex-co's actions, be aware that you are sending a string of possibly irreversible wrong signals to every Singaporean. Consider carefully whether you are willing to shoulder the responsibility of damages that would affect the longstanding good work of Christians in Singapore. Since the government has chosen not to be involved in the matter so far, whatever happens will be seen clearly by all as the response of particular sectors of society. Here is my short list of obvious implications: [1] Support the new ex-co, and you are effectively saying that you condone its quasi-corporate act of infiltration, with related strategies of secrecy, disinformation, moral coercion, and fear-mongering. You are saying that you support its less-than-Christian covert moves more than traditionally Christian ones like dialogue, open engagement, honesty, and clarity.

[2] Support the new ex-co, and we will go down a slippery road with wide-ranging repercussions for all. Don’t believe for a moment that the manoeuvring will stop here. What this invites others to see is that infiltration is the most effective way for small groups of like-minded individuals to seize power quickly -- and where will this end? What is to stop any religious or ideological group from doing the same to any social institution at every level? In the long run, who do you think loses?

[3] Support the new ex-co, and you potentially make light of the freedom that is God’s gift to every human being. Against your best intentions, you may send out instead the message that we Christians think that we know better than everyone else and that we are willing to outflank, overpower, and overwhelm if we do not get our way.
[4] Support the new ex-co, and, if they stay and behave as predicted, you will be directly responsible for undoing the trust that many Christians have taken years to build with their non-Christian friends. This is a trust built on mutual respect. You will have made the Gospel of Christ more difficult to hear for years to come because people will think that they know what it is about. You will have created a new generation of Christ-haters. This matter, in short, is not to be treated lightly. Jesus tells us all to be "wise as serpents, and harmless as doves". There are times to be passionate and helpful in a gungho way, but this is not the time. Christians can be wrong about many things too. So please, by all means, pray for the AWARE debacle to be resolved amicably and for Christians in AWARE, but do not, in the name of our common faith, go in blind support of other Christians because you are Christian!

Yours Truly,

Gwee Li Sui

an extract

this eloquent and lucid extract sourced from Straits Times online forum, a letter by Joel Chua, sums it up perfectly.

----------------------------------

25 April 2009
Straits Times Online Forum

The truth behind the fracas surrounding the so-called leadership coup at Aware has finally come to light. A group harbouring anti-homosexual sentiments had become upset over the organisation's promotion of social equity for gays and lesbians, and wanted to reinstate 'traditional values'.

Is it not pungent with irony that a group dedicated to the promotion of equal rights for women should implicitly advocate social discrimination against another group? One would expect that individuals who undoubtedly appreciate the historical struggles women had to endure to free themselves of their societal shackles, also appreciate a similar, contemporary struggle for social acceptance. Have the oppressed become the oppressors?

But I understand that, for these individuals, it is a matter of morality. Their interpretation of their religion dictates that an innate sexual condition is grounds for opprobrium.
They might perhaps consider that even today, in certain societies, their counterparts continue to face unrelenting and imaginable prejudice, also because of an innate sexual condition - that of merely being a woman. Those who oppress them do so under the banner of perceived morality as well. Stories of how women are treated in some countries by the 'morality police' shock the conscience of women and men, straight and gay alike. Is it really moral or the fruit of a religion, whose early members were themselves persecuted as ideological deviants, to discriminate against people who are different?

Ultimately, this is not just a battle between pro- and anti-homosexual factions. It is but one front in the larger war against discrimination of all kinds. But just as the tide of history turned in favour of women in Singapore, so too will it eventually turn in favour of other groups. As for the new leadership at Aware, they must now struggle to keep their heads above the choppy waters of irony.

Joel Nicholas Chua

debacle at AWARE

astounded.



just one word but it sums up my response to the AWARE saga that has been brewing between the old and new guard at dover crescent. it has spilled across much of singapore, generating active discussion among other civil societies as well as ordinary singaporeans who have been asked to study more into the alleged agendas and values which both camps purport to live by.

one claims a higher moral ground at the risk of being labelled as 'moral vigilantes' or 'christian talibans' while the other appears to have stretched themselves too thin in wanting to address the needs and struggles of women in need, including same-sex attracted persons and the transgender communities, many whom are also recognised as women under the law.


i stand with the old guard.

the team led by dr thio and josie lau shake the very foundations of transparency, humility, honesty and humanity which many live by, regardless of our affiliations or orientations, be they ethnic, religious, sexual or cultural in form. i wonder how muslim, hindu, secular women are going to find a home within their schema, not forgetting women or families with different worldviews and values as well.

the desire to speak and live with integrity is fraught with challenges of its own. some are challenged to make known of their beliefs or value systems which they live by while the rest of us learn to recognise our own blind spots in facing up to other truths about human nature or civil society as a whole. 'inclusiveness' can become an abused word where we begin to form tribes of our own, believing the world to be 'one jerusalem', yet not knowing the gospel may be received differently by others in search of life, meaning and maybe, even God.

to say we wish to 'help' others while denying how that term must first apply to oneself can turn out to be one of the heaviest ironies to unfold & carry in life.

perhaps, a few enlightened ones will emerge in this process of debate and confrontation...to understand that at some point, we too have been blind and that it is necessary to seek clarity, fair or proper knowledge given our education, life experiences and for some, our separate stages of faith development.
HELP

As they're used psychologically, words like 'repression', 'denial', 'sublimation', 'defense', all refer to one form or another of the way human beings erect walls to hide behind both from each other and from themselves. You repress the memory that is too painful to deal with, say, you deny your weight problem. You sublimate some of your sexual energy by channeling it into other forms of activity more socially acceptable. You conceal your sense of inadequacy behind a defensive bravado. And so on and so forth. The inner state you end up with is a castle-like affair of keep, inner wall, outer wall, moat, which you erect originally to be a fortress to keep the enemy out but which turns into a prison where you become the jailer and thus your own enemy. It is a wretched and lonely place.

You can't be what you want to be or do what you want to do. People can't see through all that masonry to who you truly are, and half the time, you are not sure you can see who you truly are yourself. You've been walled up so long.
Fortunately there are 2 words that offer a way out, and they're simply these: Help me. It's not always easy to say them - we have our pride after all, and we're not sure there's anybody we trust enough to say them to - but they're always worth saying. To another human being - a friend, a stranger? To God? Maybe it comes to the same thing.

Help me. They open a door through the walls, that's all. At least hope is possible again. At least you're no longer alone.

frederick buechner: whistling in the dark

resurrection

Oh the rush with which the forgotten mind awakens

Under the day a well of dark where colour dwells

Until it learns the art of light and can reveal,

In neglected things, the freshness thought darkens.

With grey mastery distance starts to blur the horror.

Already the days begin to set around the loss.

The after-silence of his death becomes porous

To the gossip of regret that follows failure.

Through the cold, quiet nighttime of the grave underground,

The earth concentrated on him with complete longing

Until his sleep could recall the dark from beyond

To enfold memory lost in the requiem of the mind.

The moon stirs a wave of brightening in the stone.

He rises clothed in the young colours of dawn.

john o 'donohue

it has become a struggle to mark easter after the passing of lent. having been a catholic christian for most my life, i have learnt to take for granted that the church will carry on the tradition of this feast, bringing with her the scores of pilgrims who remain faithful and believe.

i need a good poem to pick up my life sometimes. o'donohue's verse draws me back to the tomb of my own unconsciousness and the semi-darkness that i still slip into now and then. in my heart, i too have entertained many 'gossip(s) of regret' of things that remain undone and how i have 'set my days' , often 'around the loss' that is received.

someone once said it is important in life to always "watch the tides..."

after the endfalls of rain

i wait for the coming ocean to break this silence,

to put my dreams on shore

gift and detachment

Detachment does not mean not loving; it means loving well. We love if we learn, little by little, not to use another as an instrument for getting-my-own-way. I love the natural world by relating to it with reverence and courtesy. I love both people and things by leaving about them an area of peace and space in which they can be themselves, without forcing and cutting them into my own shape and size.

Miriam Pollard

bumper crop

pw results were released last thursday...i felt nervous for my own classes...believing i assessed them fairly and hoping everything will best reflect the effort we put in. it was one of the toughest years for me, preparing to leave yet determined to do my best for my final batch. i remembered having mentored them through every stage of the research process...their ideas bouncing off mine and me on one occasion hopping from one table to another, balancing 6-7 topics ranging from obesity to disability to undergarments (!), forensic science and stairways in my mind. i tasted madness.
and yes, they did it! with more than half bagging distinctions for their sheer energy, heart & hard work. it was a proud moment for me when their sms-es started streaming in, detailing their grades and how they felt. i was most most heartened by their gratitude. s17 called and screamed so loud my phone almost went bust. a few who did not manage to get a distinction also texted me a note to say thank-you. these are the ones i'll always remember in a special way...letting me know that at the end of the day, i've done my share and they too have grown, learning to look at life beyond grades.

i still think there are many ways to make this rich subject less of a chore for both tutor and students. however on the point of pw, this sustains me - to be a witness of their own growing love and respect for research and knowledge, to marvel at everyday phenomena and to unpack social theories to understand life at large and sometimes, beneath a microscope. not forgetting, working and learning to live with people of diverse quirks and background.

i would be lying if i do not admit that teachers do appreciate the gratitude their students show. it reminds us that our work goes beyond helping them obtain an "A." it was thus strange that only 2 students from my own form class texted back, at least to update me about their grades. the rest fell silent. that is life, sometimes.

i am moving to another stage where i'll tell myself to give the best in class regardless of the response received. it's a bonus if an affirmation comes my way. if not, life goes on and the quiet mission remains.

lost lives

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

---------------------------------------

a friend introduced me to declan galbraith, this english boy-singer who was only eight when this clip was recorded. the song was danny-boy, one of the first irish songs i learnt for music class back in assumption primary school. the tune brought back pictures of my childhood...here with blackie and many years later as an undergrad with bobby. these two dogs of mine grew up together. i remember picking them both from a litter of puppies and christianed them with my sister.
.

blackie stayed with a distant auntie and was eventually sent to the pound, without our knowledge. i remember him leaping up to greet us each year when we visited him. i was too young to question why nor see the pain the kind of decision could have inflicted upon him. blackie remembers us till the end. i live on with heavy regret that i could not be there for blackie when he died, old, forgotten and alone. images of him forcefully dragged up with wires up a truck still return to haunt me.

bob led a fuller life. he was small enough to move with us into a flat. bobby lived to a ripe old age but had to be put down because of cancer. i kept my promise this time and was with him till he breathed his last. i was 24 then, and always thought my eyes were born with no tear-ducts. i wept like a child when the vet placed his limp body in my arms. he whined in acute pain, not physical in form, and gradually fell silent when the drug took effect... i sometimes still ask if he wondered why he was allowed to die...even as he breathed his last.

with age and maturity, we grow to confront wider concerns and different kinds of death or injustice that surround us. sung by the same boy, this second song throws me into present time, and bullets my conscience with its final lines. my early affinity with my pets leads me to a different terrain altogether. whoever said childhood is devoid of pain must be blind. those who preach about moral gaps in today's world without a sense of their own may falter or fail. i bear no neat answers to the questions posed by the boy. still, there is a voice inside him that draws me home to that first gaze when God bends down and hears this prayer- our heartsongs about a our lost & secret past entwined with stories of other lives, received and reclaimed.

-------------------------
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;
The soul that rises with us, our life's star,
Hath elsewhere its setting...
Heaven lies about us in our infancy.

william wordsworth: intimations

to michael cheong

mike and i first met during our first year at nus. we joined the catholic students' society (css)...ran for office and bonded as heads of our respective faculties, part of the wider ex-co css family. he served as faculty head for engineering and i led the arts catholic family. we formed a loyal friendship with edward (medicine) and louis (law), and spent our days debating much on vatican II, why women can't join the priesthood, contraception, and wondered if the gift of tongues may be another form of hyped and organised hysteria afterall. in many ways, i think we helped each other to locate spaces within our own prayer life to accomodate the sort of disparities that can confront a thinking christian in attempts to understand the role of the church, the centrality of christ and a web of ethics that argue what it means to live out God's promises in life. amid the necessary mess, i found a safe space with 3 of my brothers who allowed me to be the way i am even as i try to understand their own worldview and faith experiences in light of our common humanity.way beyond theology, dogma and doctrine, the four of us grew to form a deep kinship that is to last for many years down the road. back in our nus days, we did the usual stuff undergrads dabbled together; organised retreats, planned talks, led in prayer, stayed over in each others' place, shared by breakwaters, took long rides in louis' car and feasted on the good food we enjoyed. we grappled with our fair share of heartbreaks...ennui... crisis...and coping with exam blues. louis is married and remains in law. i continue my journey as a teacher. edward has left his career as a doctor and will soon fly to rome to train for the carmelite priesthood (http://www.ocdcarmelites.org/). i still remember the shock we received when mike seemed to have left his old life, family and friends all of a sudden one november morning, packed his bags and joined the verbum dei order.(http://www.verbumdeisingapore.org/). after months of quiet discernment on his own. we kept in touch over the years. visited michael once in cebu where he was doing his noviatiate. after more than 6 years in formation , mike has finally been ordained as deacon, one step more to priesthood, if he decides to journey on. he sent us a youtube recording of his ordination recently, in the philippines where he resides. many past scenes from our journeys welled up within when i saw this clip. he remains the same mike we have come to love him for; a humble and gentle man of simplicity whose very life is rooted in the same love that jesus placed in him.
though we no longer meet nor communicate as often as we do, the winding songs of our shared journey remains deeply etched in my mind. and reality bites, knowing we now have different sets of friends and work on different priorities in our lives. i feel a sense of distant warmth even as i pen these words; happy for his journey yet knowing somehow our lives may never cross again due to our separate missions today.


mike once strummed a song to me with white alf in his arms. i was went through a bad patch then. his childlike view of the world, and our faith never leaves its mark on me.

i miss my friend and brother when evening falls. i light a candle for michael, in thanksgiving and in prayer to accompany him, and his vocation...a missionary for christ on life's road.