the annual cycle came again...the tug of feelings between cloudy apprehension and bright anticipation over my students' a-level results. as always, i played mind-games on myself and expected the worst, if not, below-average modest grades...not that i believed any less in them. it is rather, a quiet safeguard over my own ego and the muted confidence it (sometimes) bears.
it turned out better than expected...humbling, to say the least...the moral hollars and wrangling hands made sense after all, to them. plus the videos, the learning journeys, the boring lessons on summary-writing, paragraph sense & AQ, vocab cues, essays (PRSM)2E3, MATRIX, P-G...shucks...whatever.......every single stake we put into a subject which to me, must amount to more than mere grammar and a step beyond varsity gates.
Lord, i thank you for the grace you gave to see them through...the habits of heart and mind that you helped me to cultivate in all of them, and even in myself. even though a few chose to walk away, many chose to stay and we all help each other to keep the faith...that each will do their best, simply their best and all that, is enough, for me...
one class went beyond all expectations and emerged the one with the top quality scores. others outperformed their very tragic prelim grades. many simply gave their best.
they gave their best...
given their best;
and that is sufficient for me...
it was perhaps the best affirmation they could give to each other and myself. the long hours of marking, reprimanding, exhortations and near-defeat...all gave way to inner strength, stubborn hope and quiet faith. trusting that all shall be well.
to class of 2006...so3, s11, s22...(my first ever triple load of graduating sci classes!)...do take a day or two, like i said, to let the feelings settle down and all pressured thoughts of better grades and higher scores wash away. many of you wanted to do better. others felt they have disappointed themselves. many more are contented and are ready for the journeys ahead...i still stare at the more than 'mere passing grades' & look back in gratitude & wonder...i also hold gently to your 'thank-yous' and kept them in my heart...
...just then, the ego slips away and disappears...and i find again, my own poisonous self-esteem built on their grades. that too, i must set free.
in its place, a pure and perfect intention is found; somewhat cloaked in obscurity, but well-cast in peace and silence...for you have placed me among them...and have led me to a place that is free.
Beyond GP, beyond national percentiles, today's As, Bs, Cs and the like...remembering the names of students i've taught and right to their heart which they bear. and Lord, i bless your children, my students...for their effort of heart and the goodwill and love that disarms every gradient, score and expectation bent...a simple grace of knowing...the dispassion, the dispossession...a secret empty feeling...your very gift which sets me free...
'But time will pass and so willmost of what we know...
Weary of this world,
we split as seeds and sink
into soil...
some flowers will bloom in a different way...
Be still when the earth is silent
and sing when our strength is gone...
the land is empty once again...
so strange now
our seed lives...
thomas merton (adapted)
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