letter at 55

i have a friend who celebrated her 55th birthday recently. we have known each other for years, since i was 15. godma, soul-friend, spiritual-companion, sister...someone i trust completely. she has seen me thru' many crises in life and has never wavered in her support and faithfulness to our friendship.

she has given me permission to share this. a letter she penned in her journal on her birthday.

thank you, hele.




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As I passed through 0100 hrs on 29 March this year, I cried out my deep sadness of being born into a life without my birth-mother. The vocabulary of raw loneliness and savage fear were the first experiences I was taught indirectly in my psyche as I was pushed into life through her birth-canal. And as I caught my first breath of life, grief was in the air for in three hours, my birth-mother died. Her death sealed in my soul the seeds of sadness and grief.

Today@55, I recognize my first wounds at birth. I know and accept that these wounds lay deep in my psyche and from these wounds, the root of all that I have thought, said and done – these first wounds rooted my being.

Today@55, it is not my purpose to explain, or even to excuse, my behavior but to throw my whole self into the arms of Jesus to hold me firmly and lovingly so that I can really feel His Love transforming me to the person I was created to be in God’s plan.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for revealing this moment so that I can name the seeds of deep sadness, raw loneliness and savage fear that have grown and rooted my behavior today at 55. I do not want to explain or excuse my sinful acts but I want to understand my inner being (which I been dodging like Jonah!).

So from the seeds of deep sadness, raw loneliness and savage fear, the experiences of nurture and my evolving nature have managed me in small measures of hope and loving and in large measures of pain. Today@55, I lift the veil with the loving and merciful grace of God. With His grace of courage, I will leave the veil lifted so that I can see in His Light, my thoughts, my words, my deeds of pain willfully given to others. My giving is bitter and sour (if truth were to be told) and I desire much to cease Today@55, so help me God. Yes, I desire to walk the journey to understand WHY my thoughts, my words, my actions were so but this is another situation. What I want to surrender Today@55 is my wounded pride which is the root of my sinfulness. What I want to do Today@55 is to repent and to seek forgiveness from those I have wounded by my thoughts, my words and my deeds (though they may not know because I have not been direct and honest with them). Today@55, I will surrender all to God and beg Him to repair my fragmented being. I will repent to Him Today@55 at The Penitential Service for I dearly need to be held and to be healed by our Heavenly Father tonight.

Today@55, I want to be transformed by Love to love. Simple! How simply foolish of me to have fudged IT ALL!

Jesus, please be my ALL in ALL. Amen.