medicare woes

been feeling under the weather. almost a week and my body still feels as if it is suppressing a virus from breaking forth. to see a doctor over here is crazy. first you have to make an appointment, then bring your insurance card, and obtain the prescription from some chemist. 3 potential trips in all. i shall spare my bike.

i will self-medicate. these are the stuff i bought today. fresh pots of mint (wind in tummy) and thyme (food seasoning mah) and a bottle of manuka honey (boost body immunity and removes phlegm), chrysanthemum flowers (cuts down 'heat') and liang teh packets from good old viet haunt, richmond. where did all that knowledge of herbs and self-care come from? i have a sense of the primordial too. the body seeks names to restore its balance.

rather delighted by the presence of something live, green and leafy in my room. i need something alive. if not for the space, i would have restored my kingdom menagerie of aquatic pets like what i did in singapore (and even in the staff room!!!). the airplant got glued with wax days ago and it is doing well. so is the succulent which accompanied me from last year...it is sprouting new leaves again. probably in kind response to care and water. now that autumn is here and winter looms in the distance, you wonder why its leaves are showing.

my cupboard bears a symbolic inner
space where people near and far are brought forth each day. russian orthodox spirituality terms it as a pomyanik (shakey spelling but it means a prayer-corner, i think), where you create sacramentals out of ordinary materials, reminding you of Christ's love and presence...a little 'altar' you bring from church to home. placed on my study table- an icon, the bible and a simple cruxifix...signs pointing to something deeper; never as mere table-decor or worse, superstitious objects.

incomplete as they are, frail symbols of faith, relationship and unconditional love...a soul's anchor against the uncertain tides of a changing world.

happyness on my kitchenette

enough to feed me.


enough to keep creative juices flowing...


each dish must be seduced to submission.


so i may eat in peace.



the seductions come heavy.


aroma-wafts of kinky fish sauce, the dark mysteries of hoi sin,


kiddy soya and its alter-ego-


a toylike grindersprinkler of sea-salt and man-coarse mountain pepper.



options to use oil of rice bran or sydney's old classic-


tetsuya's oyster vinaigrette, spoilt for choice,


even tzatziki will do...


ready as dips on bread.



baby spinach and prehensile rockets


cling on spanish olives, luscious asides to a voluptuous avocado


and red-cheeked smiles of sunriped tomatos...


they garnish the raw salmon


make beauty a morsel more tasty for the eye.



there are other rare servings to make-





stone-grilled swordfish, sambal skate and the untypical monkorjew fish layered


for another week's dining where fish


becomes religion.



warm on the tongue;


bouillabaisse on ivory clams, perfect for pasta-mix


perhaps.



when asian cravings come


wolfberries, dates and seaweed


on bone-chops of meat, are wholesome,


bestowing cooling philosophies of ying and yang,


purging the australiana heatsun


stains of my inner skins.



bouquet garni is the name


a bag of assorted herbs locked in bag...


ready to be dipped in a panful of boiling water.





my nose sits on wild fields of thyme,


on the side,


a emerald bed of basil leaves,


hedged by the roast spice of rosemary,


ancient sage and


orange-oregano;



these scented lyric calls of an old summer song


where fragrance comes christianed in


many more unknown names.

the hidden Christ

This has been a longtime favourite poem-prayer of mine. I return to it now and then and remind myself of the mystery of prayer and our relationship to others and the world...how our Lord has a stubborn streak in always challenging us to discover and find him thru' people especially those who are 'least' likely to manifest our preconceived ideas and expectations about God. That God became man in Christ is one mystery that continues to bind, shock (and sometimes disable) generations time and time again. Faith in this mystery has tremendous implications in how we journey on- towards our relationships with others especially with non-christians (Matt 25: 31-46, Luke 10: 29-37, Matt 21: 33-46).

A genuine christian knows he does not have the final answer. Scholars of western philosophy, theologians in particular (or even the feeble self-confidence that so-called mature christians like me would like to believe), always run the risk to domesticating God and reducing him to our size. It comes as little surprise why I encounter many people, even close friends who scoff at

over-enthusiastic believers who by no fault of their own, witness in an ineffectual and disaffective way...they encounter a hint of its message but rarely, in depth... the person who sustains it. We need to remind ourselves that divine revelation came in the form of a Person, not a book.

Beyond all rhetoric, I imagine this prayer is something that Mother Teresa would pray as many missionaries would...and also by people of goodwill and faith.

May it help us to recognise truly, the presence of Christ in our lives.

E tu Iddio / You, God

You, God
Because of whom i walk in this boundless sky
among clouds of worlds
You are lonelier, poorer than I;
I have seen you wince under the surgeon's scalpel
removing an ucler from your bowels.
I have seen You dead drunk
staggering empty-eyed,
I have seen You
tense pushing a laden wheel-barrow,
jump for joy over new pockets
over shiny shoes
and call out to me, and stretch out Your hands
happy over a smile and a little kiss.
Those sparrow-like eyes of yours
make me sad.
In order to live, I must be a brother
and a father to You.
And wipe your running nose
and support you in your faltering steps,
build you a stout house
of solid stone in fine plumb, and heal you
if your head limply resting on my knees
burns with fever,
and fetch you bread, soup
and honey and the fruit you like:
it is my way of adoring you.

-by Danilo Dolce (translated from italian by murray bodo)

Listening

The following 3 excerpts were discovered in 2 different texts about prayer. They share an affinity. Each seems to respond adequately to the others; 'adequate' not in the sense of fullness and completion but permitting enough sufficiency to allow mystery and what lies unspoken, to be left open to the reader, hopefully to explore the terrain on her own terms.

1.

When a doctoral student at Princeton asked, 'What is there left in the world for original dissertation research?' Albert Einstein replied, 'Find out about prayer. Somebody must find out about prayer.'

2.

Inspector: And you Rabbi? Which side are you on? The question or the answers?

Rabbit: I am on the side of prayer.

Inspector: And what is prayer; question or answer?

Rabbi: Both. Question for whoever believes he has found an answer. Answer for whoever struggles with the question.

From the play, Zalmen or The Madness of God by Elie Wiesel

3.

For prayer exists, no question about that. It is the peculiarly human response to the fact of this endless mystery of bliss and brutality, impersonal might and lyric intimacy that composes our experience of life.

Patricia Hampl

morning chapter

autumn beckons and days are windy and free. i can't wait to watch the trees turn orange-green. the tree-lined boulevards on the university compound make the place restful. the path marks my daily walk to collect the morning papers. today, i adjourned to animal orchestra for breakfast- had the finest mocha ever and the house speciality, a pan of baked eggs choked with a variety of servings from gourmet cheese to goat's milk, smoked aubergines and capers, and even sardines! i opted for the last. not quite disappointed but it could do with a little lemon dash to blunt the slight seasoned bitterness of fish. the interiors are

glued with illuminating pictorials and crude snapshots of world news, capturing its peculiar nooks and crannies; nelson mandela on a pipe, dame edna kissing a vulgar bust of city wall and late princess di crowned by bouquets of angelic leaves & pastel florals. relaxed with the day's .

papers on hands. sipping coffee and making myself privy to the hordes of conversations polluting the casual air of melbourne's many streetside cafes on this part of town.








art.
the yellow clock-tower links time with knowledge, an unshakeable stature and to some, a concept so full of flavour it resists the corrosion of time. being here, not quite foreign yet trying to stand or walk in stillness to the clear fact that these old stone walls are silent witness to the hordes of students who come to taste jargons and concepts dating back to centuries of thought. the old arts block hides one of my favourite walking paths. the walls breathe & ascribe to medievial language and philosophy. subjects never to be found in techocratic nus/ntu and the like find full respect here. i wonder how local / singapore students might re-imagine their own purpose and direction should they be exposed to these academic possibilities early in life. to many singaporeans, knowledge is best appropriated in light of its relevance to an ever-thirsting economy and its subsequent practical value to life. the given vision is a frightening one. and narrow still.

some students have in the past denounced reason as the enemy of revelation. others identify it as a critical ally to self-understanding and independent vision. medieval studies provides an experience in building up rational wholes, theories and interlocking systems of language, culture and ideas which shape them into being. and there, we take the proverbial imaginative leap...thinking more for and about ourselves, our place in the wider world, our critical relationship with others... not to be confined to what weber terms , the 'iron cage of bureaucracy' and the disabling form of obsessive-compulsive worship of empirical knowledge' which we are binded (and have been blinded) to.

love and freedom

The things and people we cling to imprison us; the things and people we love free us. The most liberating experience of all is to love something or someone and not at the same time want to possess the object of our love. True love allows the other its own freedom, yes, even desires that freedom; and in return the lover himself is free to love more and more selflessly.


Who, however, can achieve such love? Maybe no one can completely. But each one of us glimpses from time to time the exquisite joy of his own selflessnes. If i am willing to love you and let you go wherever you wish, we are both free and our love grows. Otherwise, need and dependence replace love, and we grow tired of what all of this is costing us emotionally.
Some of us learn this basic fact of life, and they become the contented and authentic souls we all know. Others never do learn it, and they are constantly caught in webs of their own making, unable to break loose and enjoy the freedom gifted by real love.




adapted: murray bodo

everyday...a prayer is heard.

a typical day runs like footwork...

thoughts creep up from nowhere and i scribble quickly on scrap paper (poached from the waste-dept at edfac... while no one is looking, hehe- not stealing ya!) so it goes...the things i must do for the day...

-check bank refund
-subscribe to papers
-top-up optus prepaid card
-buy indo-chilli from laguna
-develop family pics
-enquire if swimming shorts allowed at unipool
-tell cousin those pics were sent back!!! (after almost 5 mths!!!)

strangely i feel a sense of accomplishment after these things are done. the day opens up empty but it is gradually filled with little decisions that axel a day's movement somewhat. i look forward to daily mass, something simple to commit to during lent. i share with God everything that has happened so far. honesty and openness. relationships. what we apply in our human affairs untimately reflects his place in our lives. to personalise it further is to risk intimacy and a depthing that brings challenges of its own. yet if there is no intimacy to speak of, there can be no genuine relationship to begin with. Cassian says we pray best when we are no longer aware of praying...do i believe that God is intimately involved and is concerned with every detail of my life? do i find that intrusive or comforting? if so, why?

my meals are getting more arty by the day. used warmed over-nite rice...simply scatter it with basil and mixed herbs. next, tossed it with anchovies (pre-stir-fried with ginger) raw spinach, rockets, boccocini cheese and a dollop of kimchi, or a slice of cold ham. yop it with minutes of pesto sauce and ta-dah... you have the most filling vitamin-mind-blowing meal ever prepared by yours truly...whenever i crave for fish, i would add a smoked trout by the side and drizzle with lemon juice. lunch can't get better than this.

am doing a little more light (haha) shopping this final semester...tag on stuff unavailable in singapore. green is theme. these are funky shoes...doubt i can find that in queenway, junction 8, orchard and the like. wah!

i didn't forget how the day closed for me. watched the sky as the last fires of sunset burned. right outside my window. i ate my meal in silence. seeing, tasting, hearing...i don't know if i 'was' truly praying but the awareness itself...is thanksgiving.

four short months

4 short months and i will make every effort to live them fully. i like my new niche behind the law faculty. it's quiet at night, spared from the tinkling bells of trams that run along swanston street. the kitchen-near-bed setup didnt prove too bad afterall. i just have to be careful with cooking methods. living on my own has somewhat simplified a lifestyle...my meals are simpler but no less palatable, and i could structure my free time more easily, not needing to rush home for cooking duties as of last year.

i catch the afternoon sunblast, unfortunately but am spared the awakening dawn. room faces west melbourne and if i am lucky, i get to catch a sight of hot-air balloons cruising outside my window. am starting to clear up any leftover stationary and household equipment by now, passing them on to undergrads who need some startup in their new place.

best of all, i committed myself to many more external courses this term. secured my last 2 majors in marketing as well as leadership succesfully within edfac. also taking up classes in world music, pilates as well as meditation. Life drawing is a possibility. winter is due again with autumn looming in april. days are going to get shorter and colder. i reckon my outdoor runs will cease. not into treadmills but the ones in unimelb sports ctr should do fine. they even have a heated pool with great views of the residential colleges as well as open field.

i doubt if i would have such lavish portions of time to rest, work and play once i get sucked into the workforce again. being here has transformed my narrow outlook to life and imparted a greater, if not deeper sense of independence to chart my own road and own my own time. went to tarrawarra on sun. delighted to meet pat, sam and joe once more. rekindling the past. we chatted for almost 4 hours in the same room. cloistered indeed. bought pau for them and jo had copy of you jin's text at last.

met johal yesterday. he dropped nus for unimelb. an excellent choice. he will grow even more. came up for tea. taught him in 2004. we reminisced about gothic days and the sins of 03A05. hope he does a module on cinema studies and literature. he has not lost his gift for abstract thought and writing. he is with nissa now, another junior gal who was in my gp class...02A05 i believe. ha. THAT class...loyal blokes to the core. strange that pioneer students almost always end up getting attached to each other. looks like we all find something secure to hold on from the past...

secondwalks to melbourne

i landed on the wee hours of 23rd friday morning and pounded the day on my own. carting my 3 sets of luggage from airport all the way to leicester street...it was quieter this time round- walked past my old apartment to collect old mail and abit of the past caught up with me...how i first settled in and the special people who made a difference in almost everything...thanks to the 4 who went to the airport to bless and send me. a far quiet from last year. certain of my own road this round.

0630 - 0900: coolie-work basically. lugging, pushing, dragging

o900 - 1030: handling lease for new apt. unpacking, unwrapping, thinking much about the year that passed. bikes looks as good as ever. unmolested. smells of distant days and not wanting to re-arrange the way everything had looked and had been. that red-haired agent was less of a bitch this time, what marvel! Sheer grace!

1030-1230: back on uni grounds. collecting new student card. signing up for modules. staring at wide-eyed undergrads who walked aimlessly and sought shade under trees.

1230-1330: made my way to St Francis for thanksgiving mass. old brown pews. where i used to pray. knocked off and slept during homily. i bounced my head several times staying alert only during consecration. The Lord understands. short span of sleep onboard cramped qantas jet getting into me.

1330-1230: i haven't ate. went to qv market nonetheless. a warm familiar sight. i did something sad. still bought fresh food as if i was still cooking for more than one person. scaling down this time. a whiff of the second past catching up with reluctant me.

1230 - 4pm: got ensnared by helen and helped out at faculty postgrad tea. well, i went there for a free lunch honestly! sushi, crackers, pizzas, scones and cheapo me. deans, sub-deans and faculty managers giving talks and informal sharing. except for helen, they will not be seen for most of the term anyway. it happened last year. political 'niceties'. for show only. ha ha.

4pm-7pm: walked and cycled from chew's place to mine. 2-3 times, i supposed. i carted what was leftover from last year and walked the city with a standing fan in hand, then cycled with a pail-ful of condiments, cloths and detergents. no one looked. no one really bothered. that's melbourne for you. a freeing sense of detachment everywhere. do what pleases you and don't tell me how to run my life. period.

7pm-midnight: sorted my studio-apt further. blessing the surroundings and befriending the solitude. i switched off the tv and radio, like the scenes before me. the view of the city and the far-off hills. a lone flag on a pole. my nose acting out. watery blues. insufficient sleep. and i only had 2 bananas for lunch and dinner. prayed the Word and the Lord rested me. i slept in well-deserved peace.

everything

am also glad i made the decision to return home during the summer break. i have received so many opportunites to touch base with relationships that matter to me, the circles of goodwill and support that continue to see me through every phase of my journey. being apart has taught me to be much more present to the 'moments', conscious that i waste precious energy brooding about the past and imagining a hollow formless future. and there have been more than a handful of perfect moments to savor, in the days to come. i'm alive, simple as it is...alive to sense, see and to feel. the element of self-care is there even though there will be some days when i have to sit through the dryness and own the feeling it brings. still, feelings pass, and are passing. to you who have taught me to be present and be conscious of how life and how splendid a simple day or moment can be...thank you!

my family. for giving and sharing. every blessing. everything.

to ken, ed, karen, sam, greg, cons, john; macritchie runs, $7 Filipino meals, bumboats and car-rides, cloister-chats, cosy silence shared...you are next to family.

boon, keong, cj, pete, chris&cons, shari, rena, hele, seth, viv, rockies; the food-booze, THAT new-year's eve trip to (???), bollywood veges, hiking up changi point, chasing sunsets & strobe lights, our walks down the lawn cemetery...another flight to nowhere, teochew steamed fish and great goose meat. porridge with rockets. notes on a simple life. celibate days. marry?!?! what marriage?!?!?!

sister chris, canossian community and kids & staff at Beyond FSC...opportunities to know i can live with much less, teach like i've never done before. and find rest in your childhood dreams.

04a02 and lit class of 2005 , 03A04, 06s11, 06a02...for insisting. for remembering. reliving. faithful. gratitude and thanksgiving from me too.

ziz and kieran...running and movie mates...the art lessons that freed me. one single day made whole.

colleagues and friends...nik, den, lai kuan, lok and lin...fish balls, egg tarts and drunken chicks. mud pies and mozarella slings. wait for my pay-cheque. i'll be back!