tasik kenyir

we drove more than 9 hours to arrive at tasik kenyir, terengganu. it was a needed and needful break. we dispensed with all the usual luxury and crashed onto a houseboat. trekked into bat caves and felt the fright of temporal darkness. certain spirits remained. ignoring those whispers, we bathed & soaked by ice-cool waterfalls and endured soiled-moist days & chills of tropic falls. mr pang, our reliable skipper, caught freshwater fish and ordered them cooked them by the lake. and macik dished out plates of nasi lemak, catfish curry, ulam, tomyam and nasi goreng within the span of 3 full days. kept our bellies full. we wondered how a floating kampung of sorts could keep us safe from primeval hantus and age-old apparitions who will always nest cuddled within the tepid folds that line the crown of malayan trees. we live by the calendar of daily rain, dusk and mists...led by cicada song, turquoise hues and jungled rivers that tempt the soul with quiet, we pause in the weary centre of existence and find heaviness fogged into oblivion.

Unknown to us, there are moments

When crevices we cannot see open

For time to come alive with beginning...

when breeze becomes gold in a day.

Delighted to be so high

Above the lives where we dwell,

Together for a while

From the other sides of the world,

Sensing each other...

The echoes take us

To the heart of the mountains.

When the silence closes,

You say, Now that they

Have called our names back

The mountains can

Never forget us.

adapted: john o'donohue's conamara blues

weakness

The swiftest things are the softest things. A bird is active because a bird is soft. A stone is helpless, because a stone is hard. The stone must by its own nature go downwards, because hardness is weakness. A bird can of its nature go upwards, because fragility is force.

G K Chesterton

post a-levels. note. sms

she had a D for GP. and still texted this to me...such a gift, i never expect to find. it brings tears to a teacher's eyes. the grade has long ceased to matter. the gratitude, now... from me... toward her...will last a lifetime. many senior teachers who have taught in a variety of JCs will share that these are the rare attributes that students from so-called 'lesser-known' JCs are known to possess. perhaps, many still tend to define a person's self-worth based on their academic calibre as marked by their status as 'top scorers' and their premium grades. ours' will always be an exam-oriented society.

i am but one of the many privileged and humbled teachers to have received this blessing from students like her..whose heart and humanity are worth more than many stars and distinctions that others may only take for granted.

in texting this note, she has said more about herself than about me...beyond any grade, her words will keep many teachers strong on the desert journeys ahead...

thank u too...mk


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hi mr koh...i'm mk...Just want to say thank you- thank you for your advices and encouragements during that period of time (not many people believed in me, which made me unable to belief in myself even more.) You saved a girl that was drowning... Forgive me if there's any grammar mistakes. thank you :)


frankly, i used to be so scared of you when you first taught (our class). Now, you are the teacher i want to thank most.


xie xie ni ah (in chinese)

this will pass

Suffering passes. Having suffered never passes.
Charles Peguy

beyond all grades: an open letter on results day

the annual cycle came again...the tug of feelings between cloudy apprehension and bright anticipation over my students' a-level results. as always, i played mind-games on myself and expected the worst, if not, below-average modest grades...not that i believed any less in them. it is rather, a quiet safeguard over my own ego and the muted confidence it (sometimes) bears.

it turned out better than expected...humbling, to say the least...the moral hollars and wrangling hands made sense after all, to them. plus the videos, the learning journeys, the boring lessons on summary-writing, paragraph sense & AQ, vocab cues, essays (PRSM)2E3, MATRIX, P-G...shucks...whatever.......every single stake we put into a subject which to me, must amount to more than mere grammar and a step beyond varsity gates.


Lord, i thank you for the grace you gave to see them through...the habits of heart and mind that you helped me to cultivate in all of them, and even in myself. even though a few chose to walk away, many chose to stay and we all help each other to keep the faith...that each will do their best, simply their best and all that, is enough, for me...


one class went beyond all expectations and emerged the one with the top quality scores. others outperformed their very tragic prelim grades. many simply gave their best.
they gave their best...
given their best;
and that is sufficient for me...

it was perhaps the best affirmation they could give to each other and myself. the long hours of marking, reprimanding, exhortations and near-defeat...all gave way to inner strength, stubborn hope and quiet faith. trusting that all shall be well.


to class of 2006...so3, s11, s22...(my first ever triple load of graduating sci classes!)...do take a day or two, like i said, to let the feelings settle down and all pressured thoughts of better grades and higher scores wash away. many of you wanted to do better. others felt they have disappointed themselves. many more are contented and are ready for the journeys ahead...i still stare at the more than 'mere passing grades' & look back in gratitude & wonder...i also hold gently to your 'thank-yous' and kept them in my heart...



...just then, the ego slips away and disappears...and i find again, my own poisonous self-esteem built on their grades. that too, i must set free.

in its place, a pure and perfect intention is found; somewhat cloaked in obscurity, but well-cast in peace and silence...for you have placed me among them...and have led me to a place that is free.

Beyond GP, beyond national percentiles, today's As, Bs, Cs and the like...remembering the names of students i've taught and right to their heart which they bear. and Lord, i bless your children, my students...for their effort of heart and the goodwill and love that disarms every gradient, score and expectation bent...a simple grace of knowing...the dispassion, the dispossession...a secret empty feeling...your very gift which sets me free...
'But time will pass and so will
most of what we know...

Weary of this world,



we split as seeds and sink


into soil...

some flowers will bloom in a different way...

Be still when the earth is silent

and sing when our strength is gone...

the land is empty once again...

so strange now

our seed lives...

thomas merton (adapted)

nothing & everything

Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the begger and the beaten. And seeing them, the holy one went down toto a deep prayer and cried, ‘Great God, how is it that a loving Creator can see such things and yet do nothing about them?’



And out of the long silence, God said,

‘I did do something.

I made you.’

Sufi Parable

a man stripped

A man who is not stripped and poor and naked within his own soul will unconsciously tend to do the works he has to do for his own sake rather than for the glory of God. He will be virtuous not because he loves God's will but because he wants to admire his own virtues. But every moment of the day will bring him some frustration that might make him bitter and impatient and in his impatience he will be discovered.

He has planned to do spectacular things. He cannot conceive himself without a halo. And when the events of his daily life keep reminding him of his own insignificance and mediocrity, he is ashamed, and his pride refuses to swallow a truth at which no sane man should be surprised.

thomas merton: seeds

waiting for answers to life

" many of us have more questions and doubts than deep, meaningful, fulfilling answers. Many things frighten us - finances, the future, relationships, career moves. Many things unsettle us - partners, spouses, bosses, colleagues, friends, children. Many things haunt us - the past, the present, the future. All of us are in search of a clear cut answer to the ever-evasive slippery existence called life. The reality is that we won't find all the answers in religion or spirituality. Some answers, yes but not all. And it's not going to happen overnight. The Spirit of God will supply us the answers we need, when we need them, as we need them. The mystery of God's workings in the lives of human beings will never be curtailed by our feeble human attempts to explain it all away. It'll take a lifetime and eventhen, we'll probably leave this earth without knowing it all. We all learn to get used to the mysteries that surround us.



In time, we will see that not every question demands an answer, because some of life's most meaningful and fulfilling moments happen outside the question and answer forum. It's what we do with the here and now that makes us the human beings God wants us to be..."



jo goh third sunday of lent sermons

'its been so many years to say everything': to wei

you called me to say i'm still your best friend eversince the day you blacked out and i accompanied you home. 15 years later, one phonecall came. you're now working in japan. we caught up like never before. i didn't want to waste more of your money. we agreed to meet via msn. typing, rebooting, sharing files and pics. your stories and mine. the fog clearing between the breath of our knowing. i listened now to the same teochew we spoke and the secret codes it brought. laughing, missing, reminiscing. under the language of dusk, the trees then, played witness to the promises we made. all that remains incomplete. these cards and letters are articles of loss, burned from the walks in daylight. i find courage to stand even as we see the sands of our dreams washed away. our lines lasted deep into night. i fell for sleep. unknowingly. and the lost years are found again.

no gift too small

from the gospel, 5 loaves and 2 fishes...the little we offer and jesus helps us to make the best out of the little we have. just as we falter and see limits in everything... christ walks by and shares his little way, with my open hands.

song composed and written by corrinne may

amen...

matt 14: 19, mark 6:34, luke 9:16...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EHOT7huPeA

painting by william selby

february first

indifference
that is how i would describe it;
a day that some are keen to remember.
and others are happy to celebrate.

i almost forgot about it as i sat in my room the night before, rummaging for army slacks and prepped myself for training the next day. and it was supposed to be my birthday. a little poem i wrote, describing what birthdays have become...the quiet recognition that time has passed...

a plain line of trees
at the end of city streets

heaven's edge
on a star's secret sky
the book of childhood
opened briefly, then shut for good

a swimmer who reaches the shore
his spirit, spent.

anguish
without the sting of sadness

a foreign sense of peace, pervading
as i stand older by a year. seeing
the spaces between me,
mark the place where i used to be.

i am grateful for the distance now,
as day closes and is washed in simple rain
while a certain blessing falls
as the cool sun burns to its end.

corrinne

corrinne may, live in chicago....this is one of the first songs which struck a deep chord in me...providing a quiet insight into her soul, her composition style, who she lives for, how she feels and what she yearns for... same side of the moon...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqDbIbApmy4

the bread i broke with you...

Music i heard with you was more than music,
and bread i broke with you
was more than bread...
conrad aiken

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found on a friend's msn attachment...

"If i could cash my friends, i'll be world's top ten richest men..."

i like that.

a line i can claim with a whole heart.......for a life of shared and present faith and the ties that bind...

kenneth, cj, peter, constance, pete, karen, john, rockies, cliff, carol, helena, sam, rena, vivian, boon, edward, greg, lailai, rahul, nil, keong, bob and blackie...longest of 18 years and the quiet depth in less than 2....some, my former teachers, others from my teenage years. some carry fur. still, a handful from varsity and the ones that appeared after drought and newfall rain.

thank u for being my friend...

the bird. the birds

a friend sent me this delightful account via sms. an actual incident which happened in an all girls' SAP school right here in Singapore. I laughed so hard, trying to imagine the horrified looks on both teachers and students and the omnious grin that all this may just be an omen... a pure spectre sent by mother nature...the laws of nature unfurled for all to see...hehehe...

dear coo-coo pigeons...screeching crows...screaming girls...aghast teachers...glam and grandeur of founder's day...civility, order, ceremonial pomp. feather flap and the ascent to truth, the elegance of flight. then sudden mayhem and murder. aerial attack on the loose...shredded feathers, talons and bayonet beaks, barely-visible drops of blood plus one clumsy knockout...poop...bird... die... die...bombakbom....diedie...liao...lo...steadybompeepee ahhh.....

heheheh

" so hilarious, ad told me today in her school they commemorated some founder's day crap by releasing two pigeons. Initially, they were reluctant to fly out of the cage but eventually they did, after some coaxing. Then u know what happened?!? This crow swooped down from nowhere and grabbed one of the birds and carried it away to be eaten like some wildlife documentary live footage while the other got so spooked it flew direct and smashed itself right onto a wall and concussed right in front of the whole school and some girls burst out crying..."

one psalm

O Lord, you search me and you know me,
you know my resting and my rising,
you discern my purpose from afar.
You mark when I walk or lie down,
all my ways lie open to you.

O search me, God and know my thoughts.
See that I follow not the wrong path
and lead me in the path of life eternal...
Psalm 139:1-3, 23-24

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Lord, reveal the stories beyond the valleys i find in life, where i cling to a protected space where i wish to be certain of everything. i rather gamble or make decisions in the name of instinct or fate, rather than rest secure before your simple presence or a crumbling yet trusting faith. i have reserved my own private time for self and those mental fabrications that inflate my little life. i seek humility through my own careful introspection. fear is mixed with yearnings and quiet greed with courage. and i withdraw into me.


prompt me to look back home. to space. single nights. and the history of my life which you redeemed and brought me through.

manatee's song

A song by billy dean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-v2Y5JrJtc

i found an unusual, if not badly composed piece of montage dedicated to endangered manatees. the song was a jarring imposition on the message intended...anyway, these are terribly gentle creatures that inhabit the shores of florida. their rotund bodies are often mortally cut by fastboat propellers. another related species, known as dugongs, are found in southeast asia, sometimes as near as pulau tekong. i once took part in a feeding session at the singapore zoo. five dollars worth of freshly- steamed sweet potato tugged into the warm bristles that surround the slow stretch of soft-chewing lips. a dugong hugged the morsel with its fleshy flippers. and munched the tuber to a pulp. my hands still tickles from its touch.

elsewhere, an utterly harmless and serene creature dies- another unlived life. the song is a sentimental tribute to this fact. one may look beyond the obvious anthropomorphic intent on screen. however, the lyrics said something. it took me awhile to transpose the human sense of loss and recollection in this song to the world of manatees. if encapsulating this point is difficult, try to remember a favorite pet you lost or gave away as a child or an adult. you might have wondered about where he / she is, if the creature been alive or around still.

while writing, i recall the painful howl of a mother-hyena as she lost four of her cubs to a lion attack. the mother bravely defended her cubs in vain. she laid by the side, mortally wounded and yelped in certain loss for the pain that extended beyond her bloodied scars to the little ones mangled before her eyes. does that all amount to mere instinct? and so what if it is? isn't that a intrinsic substance of life in higher-forms of life as well- sensation, conscious reaction. fear, loss and apprehension...common bearings in many sentient beings. our intellect is quick to discount that which does not fit our limited schema. i always learn a valuable lesson from naturalists, poets, mystics and artists who look deeply and intently into the lifeworld of animals and grapple to find some connection there.

i recall this documentary about the tiger monastery in northern thailand, Wa Pa Luangta Bua. man and beast dwell in uncanny harmony. whoever makes any attempt to imagine this as magical or quiet exploitation must be blind.

i listen to dean's song again. its rhythm is purposeful...paced by skillful use of even metre and syllable. i detect a lyrical allusion to a chinese-themed ballad. still, it is just an instinct. am so tired of these regretful tones that everything calls for a distant recognition of how it should matter and why things need not remain the way they used to be. strange that i should attempt to test my terrain into man-animal psyche in this entry.... are manatees aware that they live on borrowed time? they maintain a sense of nonchalance in the manner which they paddle through the languid waters, not aware of the possible darkness ahead. content to lie in peace, a quiet decision made not to turn against much of a world that has ceased to save.

maybe then, this might be a song rewritten to abused, hunted and abandoned animals everywhere...

imagining their unlived lives...before mine.

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

You made up your mind
It was time it was over.

After we had come so far.

But I think there's enough pieces of forgiveness

Somewhere In My Broken Heart.

I would not have chosen

The road you have taken.

It has left us miles apart.

But I think I can still find the will to keep going

Somewere In My Broken Heart.

So fly, Go ahead and fly

Until you find out who you are.

And I, I will keep my love unspoken,

Somewhere In My Broken Heart.

I hope that in time

You find what you long for,

Love that's written in the stars.

When you finally do,

I think you will see it

Somewhere In My Broken Heart...

Girl I,

I will keep my love unspoken

Somewhere In My Broken Heart

I hope that in time,

You will find what you long for-

Love that's written in the stars.

And when you finally do,

Do I think you will see it

Somewhere In My Broken,

Somewhere In My Broken,

Somewhere In My Broken Heart